I write this as Pam goes down to the clinic this morning, the end of the 2WW. When I got up this morning, I noticed that something was not right. Anyone that knows my wife, knows she wears her emotions on her sleeve and on her face. I know that face better than anyone, including her own family, so even subtle changes grab my attention; it was not subtle this morning.
I asked her what was wrong and though she said "nothing" at first, she finally said as I pressed the topic, "you know, and you don't want to know" or something to that effect. I immediately knew she was referring to the fact that despite what I said, and what her doctor said, and what a lot of others said, she decided to POAS and got a response that she did not want. When she finished drying her hair and went off to get ready, I peeked into the trash and saw the test wrapper there which confirmed my suspicions. I did not bring it up again as we did our morning routine of needles, changing clothes, getting tea and/or breakfast, packing up the laptop bags and heading out.
She was delayed a bit with a server issue at work that she needed to handle immediately. I got a call about a Priority 1 ticket so ended up having to fire up my laptop only to see they were taking their sweet time doing anything. She ended up leaving before me and bent down to give me a hug as I sat on the sectional. I stood up and gave her a second longer hug without saying a word because I know that anything said would have started the tears and I did not want that for her going into the clinic and then to work. She left and I could hear the garage door open. It seems that Max was giving trouble to start this morning but she did not say anything to me about it. Again, her way of dealing with things so I let her be for the moment.
Now, understand that while I am here for my wife, I am not yet there with my wife. I know of people who received false positives using the most reliable kits on the market so I refuse to give up hope until a proper doctor's blood test confirms things one way or the other. That is why I did not want her to POAS and why I did not want to know the results of it if she did. Unfortunately, there is very little she can hide from me. So, I sit here hoping that the POAS was faulty and wrong and that we will get good news later. Actually, I sit here writing to you as I am running late to get to work, AGAIN, due to that call earlier.
Ladies, my personal advice for you is that even if you have that unrelenting urge to jump the gun and POAS, DON'T. There are four possible outcomes and only one works in your favour (yes, it is spelt with a "u", we're Canadian. :)). If you see negative and the doc says it is negative, you have been disappointed and devastated twice. If you see positive and the doc says negative, you get your euphoria dashed and are devastated worse. If you see positive and the doc says positive, you have twice the medium reaction instead of one big celebration of success. And finally, if you see negative and the doc says positive, the end result is good but you went in devastated thus starting off your term in a saddened and negative way which I personally feel is not good for the new life in you.
I know some ladies will disagree with me and, please, spare me the arguments that include the "you don't know how it feels" defense. No, I don't know how it feels personally and never will. I do know that I am the one that supports the one that knows how it feels and when she feels like she did this morning, it breaks my heart. POAS means she and I will feel that twice as much and that is the last thing I would want for anyone.
I still am holding out hope for the last scenario though. If the stick is right and I am not, I will be there for my wife and we will try again.
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I see your point. I really do. The logic is there in black and white (your favourite colours, I know ;)).
However, I can honestly tell you that inasmuch as I know logically it makes no sense to POAS, I will do so at the earliest favourable date.
You can say that getting a bfn on a stick and then hearing it from the doctor is a double whammie, but in my (short) experience, it seems that knowing the results from the stick can help me brace for what I know (because of stick) is coming.
Yes, false answers cna happen. Thankfully, there are far more false negatives than positives, but I'm still going to do it. Because I need to know and it gives me some illusory sense of control.
Having said that - whatever the result of the bloodwork, Mark and I are here for you. I am still praying.
Pam has explained as much to me now and as much as I still am vehemently opposed to the practice, I will respect those that chose to continue it. I have enough shoulder and kleenex to bare it all. Thanks for the never ending support. It is always appreciated.
I'm still keeping everything crossed for good news for you two! Possible, the blood tests are WAY more sensitive and are quantitative (an actual number) rather than qualitative (yes/no).
I was just reminded of this by a doctor friend this morning because I'm debating POAS for the sake of my sanity, or holding off... for the sake of my sanity. Stupid 2ww.
I read your more recent post first so I know how this story ends and I am so sorry.
You do know how it feels. You know how it feels to you and this is your hope as well as Pam's.
Personally, I like to have the warning and get the bad news in the comfort of my home and not from a doctor or nurse.
MTW, Kami, everyone, I guess this is an area where I will have to accept a little grey in. I understand better the need to know before you KNOW. Pam can pee whenever and wherever she wants to and I will support her doing so. :)
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