Tuesday, September 28, 2010

No, you're not in the twilight zone. Yes, I am posting again.

I'll try to be as brief as possible. If Pam and I had been profiled, there is probably no way any machine or human would have thought, "yes, that's a match!"

I'm Trinidadian, she's a munchacake. I'm catholic, she's Jewish. I'm black, she's white. I love roller coasters and horror movies; she, not so much and not at all. I can be loud, demonstrative, brash, arrogant/overly confident, annoying and annoyingly persistent; she can be that if pushed but really is somewhat introverted and can be really quiet. Our families are from two different planets.

However, with all of that, she is the one person that gets me the most on this planet (with a couple of very good friends coming close) and the one person I can truly be fully open with. When we are together, I want her in another room (if my show or game is on). BUT, when we are apart, my system is on constant cosmic watch for her presence and rejoices when we are reunited once again.

I can go anywhere with anyone and not worry about what she is thinking. Most times though, I wish it was her that was there with me to experience and enjoy the things that I do. She is my companion, my confidant, my love and my rock. I know that if fate split us in some fashion, we would each carry on but I know that I would never be the same without her.

I am privileged to have been in the last 12 years of your first fifty years, my love. I hope I am lucky enough to see the next fifty with you as well. See you in the bucket; we have a list to deal with. :)

Love you.
(Yes, I know I put my name there. Sheesh, ya'll are just so alert aren't ya?)

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Half a Century

That is how old I am today. Today I turned 50. It sounds so old, yet I don't feel it, and from people's reactions when they find out, it seems I don't look it either.

Normally I don't go in for much fanfare for my birthday. I enjoy doing that for others. But this year, I've decided that 50 is an milestone that should be celebrated with friends and family. (We'll be doing so next weekend as last night we attended a wedding of two very good friends). And for those who are wondering who makes the birthday cake for the cake lady (because I have been asked); I will be making my own cake. :) What it looks like is a secret, so come back next week when I post that cake as well as another that I have to make for a colleague of V's who is also celebrating her 50th.

I look back on the last 50 years (that just sounds like forever) and wonder would I have done anything differently, and apart from wishing my younger self had been more savvy in the savings department, I'd have to say no. Because had things gone differently I wouldn't be here today celebrating with V, the love of my life. I can only assume that we likely wouldn't have met and we never would have started down any road together. But I have to say that when V and I started this particular journey more than 6 years ago, I never expected to reach this milestone and not have a child or children to join in our celebration. It's been a long journey, and one full of frustration and, at times, heartbreak. But for those of you who have stuck with us know, we're not quite done yet. So, to borrow a line from V, I may not be where I want to be, but I am where I'm supposed to be.

I hope that the coming year brings exciting changes for both of us and that we can continue to grow old(er) together. (Yes, hon, I know, I already am older. :) ) As I've wished every year for my birthday, I hope that next year brings us the only gift I really want.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Counselling Session

Yes, if you've read V's post, you know we finally had that session with the social worker yesterday.

We were booked in for 8:30am. Getting into the downtown core from the eastern end of the GTA is a challenge any morning. But yesterday with 90 minutes allowed we were still late. We left at 7am and got there at 9am. I had called in at 8:30 to let them know we were downtown but stuck in traffic. Once we secured parking (our usual lot is closed for renovations) we got up to the clinic at 9:10. I knew the appointment was schedule for an hour and I said to V that I hoped she wasn't going to say she didn't have time and we'd have to reschedule. We were very lucky. She didn't have another appointment until 10am.

Anyone who has had to go through this type of appointment whether it's for donor egg or donor embryo, has had the same discussions. She asked us about ourselves, as about us as a couple, and then moved onto more important questions.

She first asked if we'd talked about what we were doing with anyone. We have done so with select friends and very limited family. She said that if we were successful we'd have to decide if we were going to tell anyone, who and how much. And in terms of any children, we'd have to decide the same. The usual answer is "I'll tell when he/she asks" but how does a child know to ask? V thought telling before puberty made sense, whereas I thought more around 5-6 in a more simplistic version of how they were conceived. She made a really good point. When you have this discussion you want to make it about the child's conception not about trust. So, if you wait until the child is a bit older, when you think they can understand (or even wait until they're in their teens) they could respond with "why didn't you tell me before?" making it a trust issue. So, she's recommended that you start talking about it as early as 3 years old. A toddler will just accept it as that's how all children are conceived and won't know to ask why didn't you tell me before because there is no before.

She asked us how we felt about contact with the donors. We thought we would be agreeable to meeting them if they wanted to meet us. Because any other children the donors have would be full siblings, she also raised the question, what if the child wants to meet them. We said we were fine with that as well. This brought her to the difference between adoption and donor embryo conception. I had explained that for me, I didn't find any difference between using a donor egg vs a donor embryo because my genetics isn't involved either way. I was a little disappointed I'd be giving up the genetic link to V, but I likened it to adoption in that there would be no genetic link to either of us in that regard. She made an important statement, one that I hadn't thought about. For a child, when they are adopted they may want to meet their biological parents to find out why they were given up. Whereas with donor embryo conceived children there are no other parents. They know that they were wanted and that it took great lengths and great expense to have them.

Those are the things that stick with me from yesterday. In spite of our bumpy first meeting over the phone, she turned out to be a very nice person and it was clearly evident why having us come down in person made sense.

Her report isn't required for us to move onto the next stage. If there was any reason why she wouldn't recommend us for the donor embryo program, she would have told us yesterday. So now we move on to viewing and choosing a profile. I suspect it will be a few days before we get anything from the clinic.

Diminutive Redemption

So, we met with the counselor this morning. DW was afraid that I would be going in all pissed off before the meeting even started. I'm a first impression kind of person and our initial encounter would normally have had me tell this lady what she could do with herself and be done with it. Alas, the stakes are much higher so I acquiesced and put on my "good" hat.

As I am a night owl, waking up early and then moving immediately are usually mutually exclusive actions for me. As such, this morning was painful in getting up, getting ready, getting out and then driving for what ended up to be approximately two hours from our home in the east end of the GTA to downtown. Not a recipe for the happy-happy-joy-joy. DW had already called in our being late due to traffic so we were prepared, but hoping to be wrong, on being told we could not meet due to the time. As luck would have it, her next appointment was at ten, not nine-thirty so we were still able to meet.

I'll let DW detail out all the questions but suffice it to say that we understood why the meeting was necessary and why the face to face was preferred. I surmised that the doctor's (who is shorter than DW) initial brashness was due to being flustered with the people who gave her wrong information so that she appeared unprepared when she spoke with us. With that in mind, I closeted the Louisville and did my best to assuage her by expressing clearly that this is something we BOTH wanted, were ready and prepared to experience. I feel confident that we were able to get that across to her effectively and await the next phase in this step of our journey.

As DW told the doctor, I tend to not say a whole lot but when I do, it is typically with purpose. I spoke purposefully today as this is important. I hope that message was delivered clearly.

OK, done talking. Nite.