Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Do you or don't you?

As I'm in this required waiting period while I recover from surgery, I have lots of time to think and ponder. Of course, a day doesn't go by that I don't calculate when we may be able to start the protocol. However, that's not all that runs through my head.

V. and I have on several previous occasions said that when we get pregnant we weren't telling anyone for 3 months. However, I put it to him the other day, what do we do now that I have loyal readers who are supporting us through all of our ups and downs, offering advice, support and just being there as an ear? How do you not say anything to family, but let those who are riding the roller coaster with you, be happy (or sad) with you? The problem here is that we have many of our friends and few family members reading the blog. So it makes it that much more difficult to tell one group when parents and siblings may be kept in the dark. A further possible "complication" was if there was any validity to a supposed superstition that my cousin had told me about back when she was expecting her first child. She said that there was a jewish superstition that if someone asked if you were pregnant you weren't supposed to lie and say no (if you were). Now I'd never heard of such a thing, and when I googled, I couldn't find anything online either.

So, I thought I'd ask Projgen, a Jewish woman who is on this IF ride as well and is extremely knowledgeable in the practices of her/our faith. I wanted to know if she was aware of any such superstition. She hadn't heard of it either, but she responded with an answer that was helpful in terms understanding where that superstition could have originated. I'm going to quote her answer in its entirety. Thank you Projgen for you help.

I've never heard of a superstition about lying about being pregnant, but in general, Judaism frowns on lying. Prevaricating is okay, but outright lying is bad ;) Maybe someone in your cousin's immediate family combined the idea of not lying and pregnancy and made a new custom/superstition! In my in-law's family no one would ever wear green - they believe there is a superstition about Jews wearing green. Can't find any information about that, either, so I have a feeling some family member long ago must have been wearing green and died a tragic death. So, therefore, wearing green is bad.

It sounds like you know the more common superstition of not telling anyone you are pregnant until after the first trimester. The background to that (so I've been told) is that when people are very happy for you, wishing you well, you get distracted with self-pleasure, providing HaSatan (not the xtian Satan: an opening to come and steal the baby's neshama, or soul. After 3 months, the baby is strong enough (and the chance of miscarriage plummets) to protect itself from HaSatan. Personally, I think that stems from the fact that the majority of miscarriages happen in the first 3 months, so the HaSatan story came about as explanation. But also, it saves the parents having to deal with multiple explanations if they were to announce it to everyone right away, and then Gd forbid, miscarry. That would too much additional emotional trauma.

So an explanation, but I'm still back to what do we do when the time comes?

I'm leaning towards keeping it real and telling everything on the blog. After all, I started writing here to keep a journal of what we were going through, knowing that there would be (unfortunately) thousands of others in the same situation would I would be able to draw strength from, as well as support others myself. How do I go through our protocol, keeping everyone in the loop, and then when it's time for the two week wait, and the betas, not say a word? I don't know if I could do that? What would you do? How have you handled this?


Penny said...

I haven't handled it yet, but Mark and I have briefly discussed this.

While we wouldn't announce it to our not-so-close friends or "work friends" (you and V are, clearly, excluded from that), I think we would tell some as soon as we found out.

I'm not sure I could keep it quiet.

On top of that, with my arms' length experiences with miscarriage and/or infertility, it seems to me to be very difficult to have either happen and keep it to yourself.

The loss of a pregnancy is something that needs to be mourned, I think. I know each person does it in his or her own way, but I know that if it were to happen to me, I'd want shoulders to lean on and hugs from those that support and love us.

However, to each his own. You do as you feel best, hon.

Either way, we'll be here to celebrate or comfort as the case may be.

Anonymous said...

Hi Pam, I figure the only way to handle it is to just put it out there. It is what it is, and your emotions are bound to come through a lie anyway. Your misery, joy or fear will come through and you will need the support from all of us in we just wanna know! Ultimately, you'll know what's best when faced with the situation. IF is terrible and there's no right way of doing things. It's just important to do what feels right.

x said...

I wish I had handled but hopefully I will some day. My plan is to tell everyone on my blog (none of my friends/family know about my blog). I choose to only tell 3 people when I am cycling and I would have to tell them if it worked. Other than that, I would do my best not to say anything until the 3mnth mark.

NikkiM said...

Heyy - a fellow Ontarian :) I work in downtown TO and live in Pickering :) You're a great writer, I really hope that Aunty will be a Mommy soo, you two look like a gret couple :)

Pam said...

Patti, Annmarie, Jenny - thanks for your thoughts. I'm leaning to telling on the blog with a strict proviso to those who know me in real life to keep quiet. Nothing like having your Mom find out from someone else. ;)

Nikkinix - Thanks,and welcome.