Wednesday, August 30, 2006

"Do It Yourself" at your own risk...

All I can say is TraceyF posted this last year. While catching up on her blog it had me laughing so hard my colleagues must have thought me insane. It strengthened my resolve to NEVER "do it yourself" but always see a professional. I don't know who the woman was who experienced this, but it deserves another posting. Thanks Tracey!

Hair removal 101...God love the woman who shared this...

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner,
and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of
the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the
bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get
warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else)
and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean
I'm no girly girl; I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure
it out. *YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair
dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this
phrase haunts me!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward
body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move

After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one
foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the was strip
across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my
v-g-na and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek Yes, it was a
long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of
the strip. crap!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly
and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to
see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused
me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is
still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put
my foot down. noo!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.
V-g-n-Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the
bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please
don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off". Hot water!!
Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the
bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt
and I can gently wipe it off right???


I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,
the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.
In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now
I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced me
I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking
surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck
to the bottom of the
tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does
to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located on bottom "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's
laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and
she suggests I all the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through
various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor.
Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry
shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity
has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land.

My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the
saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What
do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY

The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend,
but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair.................................

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......


1 comment:

TraceyF said...

I do so enjoy this story Pam, thanks for reposting it to current times.. it really does make me laugh so hard.