Uhm, is this thing still on?

Uhm, hello, my name is Pam and I'm a very bad blogger.

(Hello Pam)

I've been blogging for 5 years and 4 months. I don't think I ever imagined when I started this blog that we'd be no further along in our journey now than we were then. Since July of last year when we had our last failed cycle there's been a lot or not much going on, depending on how you look at it. It took us 6 months to get through the clinics screening process to be able to move forward with donor embryos. But due to finances (or the lack thereof) and other work/family committments we had to make the decision to delay actually doing the cycle until after July. Well, July has come and gone and with it much family heartache with the loss of my FIL. At this time, I can't say when we will be able to go forward with this cycle. And yes, this will be the last one. Due to finances, and more importantly my age, this really is our Hail Mary cycle. I turn 51 in 5 1/2 weeks. I really can't believe how quickly this year has passed, but more importantly, I'm going to be 51?!?!!??! I really don't feel it. Nor apparently, do I look it. ;)

Our clinic will work with women up to the age of 52 with donor embryos. I really do not want to be still cycling then. I had hoped to be doing all of this will still in my 40s. I hadn't imagined being that person that people might say "I can't believe she's over 50 and pregnant"....and yes, people do and will say that. Some will be my family (not the immediate siblings/parents) but we all know that family can be some of the harshest critics. And there will be some "friends". Recently a friend was talking to V and I about his wife and their kids and how his wife wanted one more and he made the comment that at her age it's too late for her, or something similar. All I could think of was what will he say when he finds out about me (if/when our cycle works). Probably nothing, because he's not that kind of guy, but still...

I haven't told V but I really want to cycle before the end of the year. By my birthday is not possible as we just won't have the money by then. It's not a lot in the grand scheme of IVF but with other committments, we can't do it. The only thing I have told him is that I'm concerned that time will slip away from us and I can't let that happen.

I've been on Wei.ght Wat.chers for the last 7 months (on and off) and have managed to lose and keep off 15lbs. I had hoped to do better and plan to get back on track now that the summer is coming to an end and hopefully lose another 15 before we cycle.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and say I'm still here. And for those few of you still reading, thank you for checking up on me and hanging in there. Hopefully I'll be able to give you more positive news by Christmas.