[depressing post alert – proceed at your own risk]
In 2 weeks I turn 46. I have to say, I am not where I expected to be at this stage in my life – professionally or personally. I didn’t think I’d be trying to conceive my first child at this age. But then again, I didn’t meet the man I wanted to marry until I was 38. And that in itself was a long, uphill battle for us, with several things to overcome. V. and I were lying in bed this morning talking about stuff (I don’t remember exactly what lead to my comment) and I said “I’m old”. He was astonished that I said that and more concerned that I actually felt like that. In all the years he’s known me I’ve never had issue with my age probably because I’ve never looked it nor acted it. People are always surprised when they find out what my age actually is. I have to admit, I think this year is the first time that I truly feel that I’m old. I look at our families, our friends, and their kids – both young and old. We’ve got friends who have had a baby in the last 6 months, and others who are expecting their third in the next six months. We’ve got family and friends who have kids as young as 2 and others with kids who are in their 20s. That's where I thought I’d be by now, watching my children graduating high school or college by now. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not disappointed by where I am, just saddened by the fact that we don’t always get what we want. However, as V. has said to me many times, I may not where I wanted to be, but I am where I’m supposed to be.
So this brings me to my birthday. People ask if I’ve told V. what I want. He’s asked in the past months what I want. And as always I reply, I don’t know. I know I can be the most difficult person to buy for at times. He and I have most of the near latest gadgets when it comes to technology because we are both geeks (I’ve cut him off from buying the latest). So when looking to technology for a gift, it’s often too late. :) He recently asked I’d be interested in taking an introductory flying lesson. We were on our way to visit friends who'd recently moved back to Toronto (and their new baby) on the Labour Day weekend and were driving past Buttonville Airport (I think) and saw a sign. I thought it an interesting idea, but I don’t know if I gave him my usual non-committal response. I probably did. I guess the idea of taking one lesson is cool, but it’s not like we’re in a position to continue taking flying lessons, so what’s the point?
If just anyone were to ask me what I’d want for my birthday, I’d probably say I don’t know. But that’s a lie. I do know what I want and right now it’s unattainable. I want to be pregnant. Of course I want a child, but let’s not get greedy. I’d take pregnant right now. However, that’s not possible at this time because we’re still in the doctor imposed waiting period. And even if it were possible, we all know it doesn’t just happen because we want it.
So if anyone was thinking about giving me something for my birthday. Don’t. Please. I’d rather that the money (if it’s my family) was put towards the probable IVF in November (if our attempt prior to that doesn’t work). If someone else was thinking it, I’d rather you donated the money to a charity of your choice. I don’t want any fuss. This isn’t a milestone birthday. I’d rather just spend the evening quietly with my husband. I have a pass that’s valid only in my birthday to go to a Cineplex theatre which I intend to use. I hope my husband will join me. :) But other than that, I don’t want anything else.
Sorry this turned into a depressing post. It’s been sitting in my head for a little while and I guess this morning’s comment brought it out. I'll go crawl back into my cave for a while and think about how lucky I am to have a husband who loves me for me, and doesn't care a lick about my age.
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I have never liked my birthday simply because each year I stop and reflect back on my life and what I've achieved, and it never seems like enough.
You, Pam, are a beautiful, young and vibrant 46. You are only that age chronologically, I assure you.
If it were in my power to grant you what you want for your birthday, hon, you'd have it already.
Maybe the better way to think about this is that this birthday may be the last one you and V have to celebrate sans child(ren) and therefore you should make the best of it.
All good things in the upcoming year, lady.
All good things.
Ih the meantime...if your hubby is unable to join you for that movie, call me. You may have to help me hobble into the theatre, but I'd go with you. In fact, to hell with the movie. If you want to head out some night for coffee sans husbands, just call me. I'm home until October 2nd. :)
UGH! Birthdays! As a fellow 40-something (with a birthday rapidly approaching) who is trying to conceive #1, I can identify with your feeling of being "old." I know we're NOT--and all that blah blah blah--but sometimes you can't help but feel like you missed a cue somewhere.
I don't have any words of wisdom, but just wanted to tell you that you're not the only one who has these moments. (And I LOVE what your husband says about "not being where you wanted to be, but being where you're supposed to be." That's so beautiful and wise. What a great guy!)
Thank you. Both of you. I know I'm just being silly, but I guess because of what we're going through I just feel it more acutely.
And yes, Zee, my husband is a great, wise, amazing man. :)
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