Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Next Steps

We saw the RE this afternoon to discuss "the next steps". It was a brief meeting really. I mean what can he say except "I'm sorry". He said that these three embryos were of lesser quality than the others we had, but at no time did he say they were poor quality. He did say the embryologist was surprised that they didn't make it. Out of our two donors and all the embryos, this is the first time we've had a cycle cancelled. I have to say that this is so much worse than getting a BFN. Not knowing if the changes we made in this cycle were going to be the difference makes it that much harder. And not knowing if we're going to have any more chances to try is devastating.

He laid out our options...I already knew them.

1. New donor
2. Surrogate with new donor
3. Donor Embryo
4. Do nothing (I added this one)

Financially, without a lottery win, options 1 and 2 are just not possible. IMHO the surrogacy option would probably have our biggest chance of success as we'd be able to select a proven donor and proven surrogate. However, realistically, that's just not going to happen. With a price tag of $50-60K, like I said, a lottery win would be required. So really, this option is off the table.

Option 3 is our most logical choice due to cost as it's not much more than doing a FET...just some additional administrative costs, counseling appointment, and some other things. So financially, a do-able option. It's a waiting game as we have no idea how long it may take to get donor embryos through the clinic. They do have them but he didn't know how long the waiting list was. We'll be filling out the necessary paperwork and we're going on their waiting list. We've decided that bi-racial embryos are not critical. We are eligible to be on the list as they will consider women up to 52.

Option 4 is most realistic. My next birthday is a significant one, and only 10 weeks away. As I approach 50 I didn't expect to be childless or still pursuing my first (and probably only) child. Back when we were working out the finances for our first donor my mother asked "is this guaranteed". I told her no.

I never thought I'd be predicting our future.
I never imagined that V and I would have to face the reality that we weren't going to have children in our life (other than his daughter from his first marriage).
I never thought I wouldn't look into the face of a child of mine and see V.
I never thought that I wouldn't be able to give my Mom any more grandchildren.
I never thought I'd never be able to name a child after my Dad.
I never thought I wasn't going to be celebrating the milestones and accomplishments of my child.
I just never thought it would be like this.


Unknown said...

I dont know what else to say. You've covered your bases. I'm so sorry this cycle didnt happen.

You can also watch on

for donor embrios to come up that you would be a good match for. I do know some people who've had good success there.

Best of luck.

amanda said...

Oh, Pam. I'm so, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I just wish things were different. You'll be in my thoughts.

Lut C. said...

Not making it to transfer is so frustrating and disappointing.
I'm sorry it had to go this way.

Anonymous said...

I wish you peace as you make the next decision. I hope the hurt lessens.

Joy said...

What a bunch of crappy options. I hate this situation. My doctor and embryologist also had a bunch of "we're so sorry and also we are completely clueless" which was very frustrating. By way of defending her lab, my doctor told us she had another couple who had five the day before and only lost one... mmm, thanks. I too am contemplating the end of the trying but SO unwilling to accept it. Today. I have nothing useful to say except that while my situation isn't the same as yours, I (at least) sort of get it. I wish you cleansing breath and restful sleep and an unexpected million dollars or two.

Calliope said...

oh honey I am so so sorry to catch up and read this news. I have been thinking of you guys. I am going to hope with so much might that you guys are matched with an embryo SOON.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Pam, I am just so incredibly sorry. With the cancelled cycle so recent and the upcoming birthday making feelings even more raw, is it worth tabling it a month in order to give yourself some breathing space. I am just so sorry that the FET isn't happening and I'm holding you in my heart.

Thalia said...

Pam, This is just a very very tough situation, I am so sorry. I agree with mel that some time to regroup and get away from the immediate sadness may be a good thing before coming to any firm decisions.

You have my thoughts.

ks said...

I'm so sorry! I only just saw that you were cancelled. I can't believe this. I know how crushing this all feels. Please know I am thinking of you.

jill said...

I'm so sorry this is happening and I'm so sorry that you are facing a life that you never expected :( Sending you lots of *hugs*.

Ellen K. said...

I'm so very sorry, Pam. I can only imagine how you are feeling. I hope you find an answer that works for you and D., although it may not be the one you originally hoped for.

Gil said...

Oh sweetie... I'm so sorry I'm late to the game but I'm just now learning this terrible news. I can say I'm so very sorry, but I know darn well that doesn't change things. And it doesn't make it better. And it won't heal the hurt in your heart. I ache for you and V; you two are such wonderful people. It hurts me so to see fantastic people hit such roadblocks when you deserve so much better than this. Know that we are thinking of you both, sending love and good vibes and I know that there's a solution in here somewhere. There's got to be; have faith sweetie. Just hold tightly to that. Much love from us to you.

MAJ Bryen said...

Pam: How heart breaking! ((HUGS))) to you. I just can't imagine your pain.

I don't know if you are interested in pursuing this but on the ivillage, donor insem/donor egg web site there are people who often list embryos up for adoption (without going through a 3rd party). Also there is a woman named Mattie on the site, who is doing a embryo adoption cycle that she set up after calling many REs throughout the country. She only waited like 60 days and she has amassed a large spreadsheet of REs with embryo adoption programs. I think she is paying like 6k tops for the cycle. Maybe she has some insights for you. I hope the passing of days makes this time more bareable for you. Much love.

Pam said...

Thank you all for your kind words, comments and suggestions.

Selmada - thank you for the suggestion of I am familiar with the site and have been up there.

Joy - I know what you've been going though, and can't believe both of us experienced the same thing within days of each other.

Cali - hopefully your words will be prophetic :)

Lollipop G and Thalia - thank you. I've thought about taking a break but all I can hear is the clock ticking, not only towards my birthday but to the time I'm no longer eligible for their program.

Maj Bryen - thank you for your suggestion. I'll probably go up and check it out.

Midlife Mommy said...

I've read ahead and know that you are moving forward. I'm so sorry about what happened. The infertility roller coaster just sucks.

I'm commenting on this post because of the age thing. We went through the whole nine yards - clomid, injections, ivf with my eggs, success with the first de cycle (my daughter just turned six), and then after about a million cycles later, the fourth set of de, and the very last fet with the very last embryos, I'm 50 and pregnant (hopefully with just one).

I wish you the very, very best and wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

An Older Version said...

Here from the creme.

I am at a loss and can only say I am sorry. I hope you can find peace.

Anonymous said...

I'm also here from the Creme and am wishing you peace and healing, and the fulfillment of your heart's desire.

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

You're last sentence in this post struck me.

"I just never thought it would be this way."

What a powerful statement for us all. Wishing you all the hope and peace this challenging journey has to offer.

Now following from Creme de la Creme.

gailcanoe said...

Thanks for writing. I know that you are not alone in your feelings and hope for good things for you in 2011.

I'm from the Creme.

Sara said...

Here from creme,

I'm so sorry. It's just not fair.

Esperanza said...

Here from Creme - I'm so sorry that you're cycle was cancelled only weeks before your big birthday. I can't imagine what it would be like to face that reality and be forced to make important decisions about what comes next. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. I hope that 2011 is your year and you are able to create the family you've always wanted. I hope you can name a child after your father and give your mother another grand child. I hope you can have all the things you've ever wanted in life. We should all be able to build our families, it shouldn't be this hard.

reme de la Creme #125
Creme de la Creme 2010 Iron Clad Commenter Attempt

Tanya said...

From Creme....I know everyone else has said it but I'm am so sorry. You have had a huge loss and sadly in our society it is not really a loss that is acknowledged or talked about. You are a brave strong women to share your story and show us your heartbreak. You may not be able to birth a child into this world...but there are many other ways you can birth your creative spirit into the world. I hope you find them and that you find peace.
With hugs Tanya