Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Why not? I thought that would be the title of this post but it really does not capture it properly; nothing really does which is why it is blank. Most people in our situation typically asks the question "why?" I tend to think a little differently than most folks so I am left wondering "Why not? Why not us? Why not now?"

Besides the significant financial strain, the single most trying thing in this process is the day after finding out the test was negative. It's not the results of the test that get to me; rather, it is the results of the effects that negative has on my wife. As much as she tries, and as much as she strives, she is simply never the same for a while afterward. Truthfully, a little piece of her dies off the longer the process carries on and the more times we go through this. Anyone that knows us knows that in turn the same goes for me as Pam is my life.

The logical question, and an obvious one, would be "Do you want to stop?" The honest answer is yes. And no. Yes because as a man, a husband, a partner and a friend, I cannot stand to see someone I care about hurt the way she is hurting right now. Yet, the answer MUST be no because I am all those things to her and I know that we MUST try until we simply cannot try anymore or it no longer makes sense to. That time has not yet come to pass but it is near.

I will take this time to say it again, as it can never be said enough. Thank you. Thank you for allowing us our indulgent voices, for the detailed information, for the opinions and for the prayers. Thank you for the cheerleading, and the hand-holding, and the Kleenex(tm) and the tears. Thank you for unconditionally always being there and always being available. It means more than words can express to have family, friends and strangers alike help us on this journey. It rekindles a dwindling faith in humankind and rejuvenates the spirit to do good things with our lives. This has been a hard road but all of your support have made it much easier to travel.

Thank you.

PS Give yourselves and your families a hug from us today and may the Divine One (whomever that may be for you) bless you all.


Aurelia said...

Again, I am so sorry. I'd love to chat with you or Pam again about this. Honestly, I keep wondering about the DHEA, only because it's practically free and again, it can't hurt and it just might help.

Anyway, whatever you do, I support you, but I do hope you give yourselves a few months to recover financially and emotionally and mentally before you do more. You've been through a lot. I think a spa or two is in order!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to read this and the last post. You and Pam are both in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you both. Please know that you are cared about.

Kami said...

I'm sorry. It should work. You deserve it. It's not fair.

I hope you will find a path out of this sadness soon.