Thursday, October 02, 2008

Now what?

V says in the last post the question is "do you want to stop?". And he knows me well enough to know that I can't, as long as we have a choice. And right now, we have a choice because we have those last three frozen embryos. But what then?

He's right that emotionally, after I've gotten the call, I'm not the same. The pain is something I can't describe. I don't know if it's the same for him, but I know that those of you who have experienced failure after failure, know this pain. It's an intense grief for a loss that most people just don't understand. It's the fear that I may have to face a future where I never have a child, where I am not a mother, where I won't get the chance to raise, and love, and influence a child of our own. It's not one I ever imagined for myself. And for those of you know know us IRL, please do not say that I am a mother to TC because that is NOT the same thing, not even close, especially with what we've endured over the last year or so in that arena. I am not one of those people who can't be around pregnant women or babies. I love babies and children and we've got several small tykes in our immediate family. We've got three very very close friends who are all expecting in the first quarter of 2009. I/we are so thrilled for them. I can't imagine feeling anything but joy for them. It's just how I am.

I wasn't going to bother, but we're going to arrange to have a follow up with our doctor. I'd rather see him face to face, but with his schedule and ours, that's difficult. V wants to just arrange a phone consult with him. I really don't know what he'll be able to tell us. Perhaps there are some tests he can run that we've not done before? One of the nurses suggested a surrogate, but besides the prohibitive cost, there's not guarantee that will work either, and it's not a route I really want to go down. I want to hear what he has to say, but I think we'll end up moving forward with the same protocol. We'd probably add in the glue again as it's not a bad thing.

Do I do acupuncture on the last cycle? Because I forgot to eat pineapple in the 2ww this last cycle (and I did eat it in the positive cycle) was that the missing ingredient for success? Is the extra weight I'm carrying a detriment to success? The doctor has never said anything and I've seen women much larger than I in the waiting room.

And after we use these embryos, what then if we're unsuccessful? I try to think positively, that over the years we're being tested for some reason and that these last three embryos are the ones. But if not, are we done? Essentially, yes. The only way we'd be able to carry on (unless we won the lottery) is through the use of donor embryos and again there's no guarantee there. Although there are donor embryos at our clinic, they need to reach the parties involved who created those embryos and have them update blood work or something before those embryos can be donated. They've told me in the past that they aren't always able to locate all parties, especially when an egg or sperm donor was used. So, unless someone came to us, I can't see that being a viable option. I know there are donor embryos in the US, but how does one find out? Anyway, I'm jumping the gun here. Right now, V and I need to figure out when we want to try for the last time.

Why does this have to be so hard?


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are in this position. Please allow yourself some time to grieve. I really don't know how you feel but my heart goes out to you and V.

Unknown said...

Think, heal and search your heart. Do what you need to, in the time you need to do it.
That doesn't sound like enough support, but I know nothing said is enough when your heart and arms are aching for a child to hold.
If you ever come to the time when you want to know more about donor embryos and/or donor eggs and the fun and games of these in Canada, poke me. I've been researching both options for a while (current on donor egg route).

Anonymous said...

I completely understand where you are now. I have two straws left (two and three), and given my age, and my husband's age, I think this will be it. But I don't want it to be.

I did ask the donor embryo question on my listserv (FVED) once for someone else, and I will can give you the links if you want them; just e-mail me if you do.

Kami said...

I think I understand where you are at right now - at least as much as someone else can. The heartache of another failure and the fear that it may never work.

I don't know if this helps, but my RE doesn't think there are many uterine issues out there. When I asked if that was why we weren't being successful with my eggs, he answered, "If there were a lot of uterine issues we wouldn't see 80% live birth rate with donor eggs."

Maybe you have just been unlucky. Nothing helps does it? It is just awful sometimes.

Anonymous said...

i wish there was something i could say or do to make you feel better. i know it's not really possible to take the pain away. maybe this last batch is filled with hard-core boxer-types that are ready to take to the mat and show you what they've got.

Hope2morrow said...

I just had a negative beta from my second FET. I'm sorry. There's nothing to say to make it better except that this community listens; they are grand. I hope you take the time for yourself and to grieve; it is a loss no matter how you look a things.

I wish you much luck.

We are listening.

Anonymous said...

I have no answers, but I'm listening. Hugs to you and V.