Monday, April 24, 2006

A note from the other side of the spouse.

Hi there. It's me. V. I thought I would join my wife on this blog as I did not think a lot of men/husbands did; apparently I was mistaken and I really am joining a community of blogging couples in this particular genre. It's a shame that any of us have to blog about this but I guess it is just another curve in life. I will try to be to the point when I blog here. That does not necessarily mean brief but it does mean I won't meander off to topics that do not concern this topic area. So, I guess I should start with an introduction of how we got here and how I see it from my POV.

Around the end of 1997, I met Pam and, being a somewhat different person than most (i.e. I watch the old black and white shows, live in Star Trek, smoke "Popeye" cigarettes and love musicals), we quickly struck up a friendship. I had married my daughter's mother because I wanted to give my baby girl the life that I did not have. I was young and stupid and hopeful that giving 'B' the marriage she craved, I would get the family that I craved. It was a doomed connection from the start but I fought against all odds to make it work. In the end, I learned that a leopard cannot change its spots and I made the decision to end the marriage. Much strife came from that and one day I will finish my blog (created but not shared) that deals with that failure in my life.

On the good side of that, it meant that Pam and I, if we wanted, could now explore if we were truly meant for each other. There really was not a question to it. I am not exactly the easiest person to deal with, be around or please. I am not an ogre or abuser or anything like that. I am just an old Trinidadian male set in a middle-aged Trini-born, Canadian-bred body. I am very much set in a lot of the old ways of doing things and it brings many clashes with many people. I was open and honest about this from the start with the promise to be fair and flexible where my lady was concerned. If you ask her, I have more than kept my end of the bargain.

In Pam, I found my computer gaming, magazine and book reading, movie loving, musical singing, TV watching, freely speaking, strong willed, intimate equal partner. You would think people who were always around each other like we are would grow resentment or something. We haven't because we are not in each other's company so much due to obligation or domination by one partner over the other; we do it by choice and that makes all the difference in the world. I love the time we have together and I crave that time. We definitely have things to do and friends to see separately (as all healthy relationships should), but we are completely fine being on our own as long as we are together.

We have been together for eight years, married (in June) for two and are planning the rest of our lives together. It really does not get much better than that. Well, it does in a couple of respects. First, there is a whole lot of drama going on with our teenaged daughter from my first marriage. In a nutshell, she was taught to run from her problems, hide from the truth and to use those around her for selfish gains. We are trying to change those lessons to more positive ones but she has a big, negative influence in the form of her maternal grandparents (see other blog when I finish it for the gory details).

The second reason it would be, could be better is the reason that this blog was created. Understand that Pam treats my first child extremely well and T. calls her "mom" and everything; something I am very thankful for. However, we all know that ultimately, one to call your own is always a special feeling. It would diminish how we feel about T. not one iota but it will allow us to feel and share in the special feeling that only bringing a life into the world can bring. We have a lot of children from family and friends in our life and we are like parents to many of them. We want to be able to share that love with one of our very own. T. has been bugging us for seven years for a sibling as well so she wants this as much as we do.

So, that is how we got here. Now what?

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