Where is CD1? ***UPDATED***

Wow, three posts in one day! A record for me I'm sure.

Anyway, It's now 6 days since we got the negative and I'm stilling waiting for CD1. I stopped taking all the meds as soon as I got the call last Tuesday. I've had cramping off and on over the week. But this weekend I had the migraine from hell. I usually get migraines with the changes in weather, and yes it did warm up quite a bit over the weekend, but I don't know if that's sole reason. Several years ago when we started TTC I started getting migraines monthly right around CD1. I don't know if that was coincidence or because of the meds/hormones, but ever since then that's usually one of the indications that CD1 is coming, and they are usually short and manageable. Well, this weekend was the worst migraine I have had in an extremely long time. Light and noise exacerbated it, I was nauseous (but never ill with a migraine), and I thought my head was going to explode. Advil Migraine was my friend. It started at 2am Saturday morning, and although eased significantly last night, has not gone away completely as I write this. I'm trying to decide if it's going to get any worse today meaning I'm going to have to make sure I leave work before driving becomes a challenge. I just really hope that this is the signal that CD1 is on the horizon.

UPDATE:
So the headaches were definitely the advanced warning. I started spotting yesterday afternoon and so today is CD1. Kind of ironic that it's on April Fool's Day. ;) However, it's here. I'm glad. Seven days exactly since the end of the last cycle, although with the previous cycle it showed up three days later. Go figure.

Secret Ode Day

Mel at Stirrup Queens had a post this week about Secret Ode Day. Last summer she started an ongoing project called Secret Ode Days. Go read her post to get the background on how it got started. One of the reasons for it is because we just don't tell people enough nice things often enough. And we often do so when they aren't around to hear them. So she opened the door for people to anonymously send her a paragraph about their favourite blogger(s) and how/what their words have meant or impacted you. So yesterday's post was the third installment of odes for Secret Ode Day. And what a surprise it was to see that this blog was selected by someone.

So, whomever you are, thank you for those very kind words. It was truly a surprise to see our blog in the list.

If you want to see the list of odes, just go to her post and check them out. Maybe you want to send in one of your own.

Thank you isn't enough

I wanted to thank each and everyone one of you who has visited, and commented and offered your support over the past week. I don't think I realized just how many people were hoping and praying that this cycle was going to be it for us.

I don't think anything has hurt quite as much getting the call that confirmed this cycle was a negative. Even though I had poas, and was prepared for the call, the pain was still more than I could have imagined. It's right up their with the pain that I had with the death of my father many years ago, and the death of one of my best friends last year. I don't wish that pain on anyone.

However, I'm here. I'm managing. It still hurts and I suspect it will for quite a while. I don't think a day goes by that there aren't some tears. However, it's not as bad as it was last week. And it won't be as bad next week.

I have to give special thanks to my BIL and SIL who, this weekend were driving from our nation's capital to visit friends in Barrie which is north of Toronto and took a detour from their route, at 11:45pm on Friday night to stop and give me a hug and then they continued on their way. They stopped to give me a hug! It was unexpected and what I needed. Thank you guys you're the best and I love you both.

I also have to say that I am married to the best man in the world. I don't think I could have gone through this week without V. I love him dearly. He was there for me in whatever capacity I needed him, mostly as a shoulder to cry on, and still is. (mind you he always is). I just wish for a moment he could stop being the strong one, the protector. I know he was grieving, but he just wouldn't let me see it, unless I asked him how he was, and even then he was more concerned about me. Honey, I love you now and forever.

So, I have not thrown in the towel. At the time I really didn't think we had any options as we just don't have the money to do another fresh cycle, and as you know we've got nothing left on ice. However, V has said we are going to continue and I have to believe him. I'm not sure how we're going to do that at the moment, but I have to have faith in him. We've got a follow up appointment scheduled with our doctor on April 19th. I'm not sure what he will be able to tell us about this cycle. As Aurelia said, we pretty much did everything we could. We were told we had great embryos, they do assisted hatching for all FETs, I was on baby aspirin, prednisone, fragmin and PIO. It just wasn't meant to be. I don't know if I should take a list of questions with us and if I did I'm not sure what should be on that list. We intend to ask him about the waiting list for the in-house donor pool and what the costs are associated with that. I'd prefer another shot with a donor so that we have a genetic connection to V. but we're going to ask him about donor embryos as well. Who knows, maybe we'd get lucky there. In any case, we've got three weeks before we find out what could be our next steps. Maybe in the meantime we'll win the lottery. J Everyone cross your fingers!!

Again, thank you everyone.

The Day After

Life goes on and everything continues; that is reality. It does not make it any easier though. I am not one to dwell for long but this time things felt really different so the letdown was that much harder hitting. Pam and I are doing okay, bolstered by all the comments and calls, love and attention. It has helped a lot, I assure you, and we are forever grateful for the support and prayers and well wishes. We have an appointment lined up with the good doctor to go over what he thinks did not happen and why and what our next options and steps may be. I think that this really hurts because, due to the circumstances of everything, we are back to square one essentially and starting from scratch again in every way. For two over-achieving IT people, who love children not their own like their own, who want this so very much, it is a very hard, large, uncomfortable pill to swallow.

That said, we have lots of water. :)

We're not going anywhere just yet and you will continue to hear from us and we will continue to cheer and share with the rest of you in your attempts. There is always a reason for things, I truly believe. I just haven't found it yet. Maybe looking for it is part of the problem.

DW will be along to give you your normal insightful and relevant posts. She just needs a little more time.

From the both of us, once again, thank you all.

V.