Please sir, I want some more?

The answer to that question would be a resounding no.

Right now I’m feeling somewhat defeated, as I told a friend. I don’t talk about much beyond cakes and our final upcoming FET here. I feel like I’m betraying V if I bitch about finances or other stuff that may be of a more personal nature. It’s like the old adage “don’t air your dirty laundry”, so I don’t. But I have to vent, and I’ve already checked with V that he’s okay with this.

Things have been rather tight for us over the last few years financially but we’ve managed, and in that time been lucky enough to do some things we’ve wanted to do including the IVF cycles. Our last FET was in September/08. We had enough stuff coming up in the next 6 months that it seemed prudent to take a break, then there were doctors appointments in an effort to see if we had missed anything, and finally we felt we’d done all we could and the only thing left was to go for it and do the FET. Except that fate had it that financially we weren’t able to do so at the beginning of the year. V knew I really didn’t want to delay too long and we were advised that we should try and do the cycle as soon as possible because of my “advanced” age. :)

For those of you who have been reading along, we thought at the beginning of the year we’d be able to go ahead for March. That got postponed due to finances until April/May. Then we had it all worked out. V works for the public sector and he would be getting a bonus as he has in the past, and we’d be able to go ahead with the cycle in June. Any other expenses, including vehicle license renewals (V’s birthday is this weekend), were covered and I was good with that. We didn’t seem too far off our planned schedule. But oh, how wrong we were. Some unexpected expenses came up and then his employer decided to interpret a new government ruling that was to be effective May 1st how it best suited them, and back dated it, screwing every employee who was eligible for these bonuses. That meant that the bonus he would be getting would be substantially lower than the one that was expected. This now means that no FET in June. And we don’t even know if we can do the FET in July.

To say I am unhappy would probably be an understatement. I’m sad and I’m angry and I’m frustrated, and I have no idea how/if we’re going to be able to do this. I know that V feels the same way. His anger is palpable about how he feels betrayed by the organization he works for. So now, we have to crunch the numbers and see if we can do this in July. I look at the calendar and my birthday is September. It’s a significant birthday. I never thought that I might be 50 and still trying to have our first child. I had hoped (as I have every year for the last 5 years) that I would be pregnant on my birthday. Now, I don’t know. I will now be at the end of the IVF spectrum at 50. This is truly our last chance. I never imagined that I would have to face the real possibility us not being successful.

So, maybe someone will smile down on us and we’ll strike it rich in the lottery. :) We all know that’s impossible. I’d raise the funds somehow if I could figure out a good way. If I could I’d be making and selling cakes out of the back of my van, but that’s not realistic either. I think I would have to get orders for something like 500 cupcakes….I can’t even imagine. LOL.

Anyway….that’s where we are. Not exactly where we wanted to be midway through May.