Monday, March 31, 2008
Anyway, It's now 6 days since we got the negative and I'm stilling waiting for CD1. I stopped taking all the meds as soon as I got the call last Tuesday. I've had cramping off and on over the week. But this weekend I had the migraine from hell. I usually get migraines with the changes in weather, and yes it did warm up quite a bit over the weekend, but I don't know if that's sole reason. Several years ago when we started TTC I started getting migraines monthly right around CD1. I don't know if that was coincidence or because of the meds/hormones, but ever since then that's usually one of the indications that CD1 is coming, and they are usually short and manageable. Well, this weekend was the worst migraine I have had in an extremely long time. Light and noise exacerbated it, I was nauseous (but never ill with a migraine), and I thought my head was going to explode. Advil Migraine was my friend. It started at 2am Saturday morning, and although eased significantly last night, has not gone away completely as I write this. I'm trying to decide if it's going to get any worse today meaning I'm going to have to make sure I leave work before driving becomes a challenge. I just really hope that this is the signal that CD1 is on the horizon.
So the headaches were definitely the advanced warning. I started spotting yesterday afternoon and so today is CD1. Kind of ironic that it's on April Fool's Day. ;) However, it's here. I'm glad. Seven days exactly since the end of the last cycle, although with the previous cycle it showed up three days later. Go figure.
So, whomever you are, thank you for those very kind words. It was truly a surprise to see our blog in the list.
If you want to see the list of odes, just go to her post and check them out. Maybe you want to send in one of your own.
I don't think anything has hurt quite as much getting the call that confirmed this cycle was a negative. Even though I had poas, and was prepared for the call, the pain was still more than I could have imagined. It's right up their with the pain that I had with the death of my father many years ago, and the death of one of my best friends last year. I don't wish that pain on anyone.
However, I'm here. I'm managing. It still hurts and I suspect it will for quite a while. I don't think a day goes by that there aren't some tears. However, it's not as bad as it was last week. And it won't be as bad next week.
I have to give special thanks to my BIL and SIL who, this weekend were driving from our nation's capital to visit friends in Barrie which is north of Toronto and took a detour from their route, at 11:45pm on Friday night to stop and give me a hug and then they continued on their way. They stopped to give me a hug! It was unexpected and what I needed. Thank you guys you're the best and I love you both.
I also have to say that I am married to the best man in the world. I don't think I could have gone through this week without V. I love him dearly. He was there for me in whatever capacity I needed him, mostly as a shoulder to cry on, and still is. (mind you he always is). I just wish for a moment he could stop being the strong one, the protector. I know he was grieving, but he just wouldn't let me see it, unless I asked him how he was, and even then he was more concerned about me. Honey, I love you now and forever.
So, I have not thrown in the towel. At the time I really didn't think we had any options as we just don't have the money to do another fresh cycle, and as you know we've got nothing left on ice. However, V has said we are going to continue and I have to believe him. I'm not sure how we're going to do that at the moment, but I have to have faith in him. We've got a follow up appointment scheduled with our doctor on April 19th. I'm not sure what he will be able to tell us about this cycle. As Aurelia said, we pretty much did everything we could. We were told we had great embryos, they do assisted hatching for all FETs, I was on baby aspirin, prednisone, fragmin and PIO. It just wasn't meant to be. I don't know if I should take a list of questions with us and if I did I'm not sure what should be on that list. We intend to ask him about the waiting list for the in-house donor pool and what the costs are associated with that. I'd prefer another shot with a donor so that we have a genetic connection to V. but we're going to ask him about donor embryos as well. Who knows, maybe we'd get lucky there. In any case, we've got three weeks before we find out what could be our next steps. Maybe in the meantime we'll win the lottery. J Everyone cross your fingers!!
Again, thank you everyone.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
That said, we have lots of water. :)
We're not going anywhere just yet and you will continue to hear from us and we will continue to cheer and share with the rest of you in your attempts. There is always a reason for things, I truly believe. I just haven't found it yet. Maybe looking for it is part of the problem.
DW will be along to give you your normal insightful and relevant posts. She just needs a little more time.
From the both of us, once again, thank you all.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I knew that. I was cramping all day yesterday. I POAS this morning, as V mentioned. I needed to be prepared for the confirming call or pleasantly surprised. I totally understand what he's saying but for me, I needed to know in advance.
I'll call and book a follow up appointment with our doctor to see what he thinks of everything, and see what we do next.
I asked her what was wrong and though she said "nothing" at first, she finally said as I pressed the topic, "you know, and you don't want to know" or something to that effect. I immediately knew she was referring to the fact that despite what I said, and what her doctor said, and what a lot of others said, she decided to POAS and got a response that she did not want. When she finished drying her hair and went off to get ready, I peeked into the trash and saw the test wrapper there which confirmed my suspicions. I did not bring it up again as we did our morning routine of needles, changing clothes, getting tea and/or breakfast, packing up the laptop bags and heading out.
She was delayed a bit with a server issue at work that she needed to handle immediately. I got a call about a Priority 1 ticket so ended up having to fire up my laptop only to see they were taking their sweet time doing anything. She ended up leaving before me and bent down to give me a hug as I sat on the sectional. I stood up and gave her a second longer hug without saying a word because I know that anything said would have started the tears and I did not want that for her going into the clinic and then to work. She left and I could hear the garage door open. It seems that Max was giving trouble to start this morning but she did not say anything to me about it. Again, her way of dealing with things so I let her be for the moment.
Now, understand that while I am here for my wife, I am not yet there with my wife. I know of people who received false positives using the most reliable kits on the market so I refuse to give up hope until a proper doctor's blood test confirms things one way or the other. That is why I did not want her to POAS and why I did not want to know the results of it if she did. Unfortunately, there is very little she can hide from me. So, I sit here hoping that the POAS was faulty and wrong and that we will get good news later. Actually, I sit here writing to you as I am running late to get to work, AGAIN, due to that call earlier.
Ladies, my personal advice for you is that even if you have that unrelenting urge to jump the gun and POAS, DON'T. There are four possible outcomes and only one works in your favour (yes, it is spelt with a "u", we're Canadian. :)). If you see negative and the doc says it is negative, you have been disappointed and devastated twice. If you see positive and the doc says negative, you get your euphoria dashed and are devastated worse. If you see positive and the doc says positive, you have twice the medium reaction instead of one big celebration of success. And finally, if you see negative and the doc says positive, the end result is good but you went in devastated thus starting off your term in a saddened and negative way which I personally feel is not good for the new life in you.
I know some ladies will disagree with me and, please, spare me the arguments that include the "you don't know how it feels" defense. No, I don't know how it feels personally and never will. I do know that I am the one that supports the one that knows how it feels and when she feels like she did this morning, it breaks my heart. POAS means she and I will feel that twice as much and that is the last thing I would want for anyone.
I still am holding out hope for the last scenario though. If the stick is right and I am not, I will be there for my wife and we will try again.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
We left Ajax for Orleans late in the afternoon as I was trying to fix our Windows Vista Ultimate PVR. I got it working in a basic capacity but have a few hours yet to fix things properly. We got into Orleans, after a fairly clear drive, around 9:30PM, hung out with the family for a while before passing out for the night.
In the morning, Saturday, we were supposed to head out early to get a gift and a card for our friend's birthday but were a bit delayed. Our SIL treats us to a special breakfast almost every time we were in and we could not say no to her once she started so we resigned ourselves to leaving later than we wanted. I also had to fix the modded GPS because one of the files had become corrupted and it would not boot correctly. We finally hit the road at nearly noon to head off to seek a Future Shop (our SIL gave us mostly right directions), get a card and then get going on the road.
We were not in an area we are familiar with so got a bit turned around, plus I wanted to go to the 417 and not the 174/17 so I wanted it to reroute us as we headed in the opposite direction. Getting in the right opposite took some time though. We finally were oriented right, got some gas and road supplies and headed off to Quebec. Our path went through the border town of Hawkesbury, over the Ottawa river and shortly afterwards, into Lachute in la belle province.
We had a great time and the guest of honour was super surprised at the party we are told but had a great shocked look on her face when she realized we had make the trek down to be with her. There is nothing better than appreciation for one's effort and even though these are some of our closest friends, it still feels nice to be appreciated. My brother was sending game updates on the Blackberry (Leafs were in Ottawa laying a beating on the Senators. AGAIN. Tee hee.) We stayed as long as Pam could handle the three long-haired dogs without Claritin. Like a trooper, she lasted a lot longer in order to give me as much time with everyone as possible because we live so far and don't get to see everyone as much as we would like. The sign it was time to leave was when she started listing at the table and tugging at my shirt. We said our goodbyes and headed back to Orleans.
We missed the games (HNIC) but we hung our with our brother and our SIL until late. Actually, I fell asleep on them, they went to bed, I woke up and watched the highlights and did nerdy stuff till around 5AM and then went back to sleep. We got up when the little lads did, sent a message off to Gil and Denis, got dressed and went off to Perkins to meet them for noon. I am a fairly social person and so is my wife (now, :)) but there is always a bit of worry when you blindly meet new people. Will you get along? Will you like them? Will they like you? My fear was, after the introductions, the questions and answers about our trip, and the obvious blog-related discussions, that there would be this great void of conversation and awkward silence. My fears went unfounded.
Gil and Denis are two of the nicest people one can want to meet. We started talking when they walked up to Perkins and we stopped talking when we said our goodbyes. Even though these were new friends, it was like old friends meeting up again to catch up on old times. Things were so comfortable and easy that we were sorry we did not have enough time to continue. We made plans for the future though and will stay in touch. Pictures are pasted below.
Originally we had planned to leave the Ottawa area tonight but with all the timing and running around, we really had not spent much time with my brother, who is not well, and my SIL, who has a lot on her plate. It was not as important to get back home as it was to stay so we will head out in the morning instead. I got them hooked on Stargate: SG1 but Keisha has never seen the original movie. I brought the Ultimate edition along with us so we are now watching the Director's Cut of the movie. In the morning, we will head home, return to the normal flow of things and prepare for the work week.
Happy Easter everyone.
PS I included some gratuitous shots of our two nephews as well. :)
Thursday, March 20, 2008
I'm hoping a four day weekend will help. I've really only got Good Friday off, but V gets Monday off too so I've booked the day off to relax and chill before Tuesday, and hopefully catch up on stuff that's on the PVR. We're off to visit my BIL and family in Ottawa and play with my nephews this weekend. It's been a while since we've seen them. And we're finally going to hook up with Gil and her hubby who live in the same area as my BIL!! We've only been trying for our last 2 visits to the Capital. This will be so cool!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
This is just the audio of this famous song. It has always made me laugh and I forgot to post it when we were having all the car issues earlier this year. Our problems were not nearly this bad but it had us thinking for sure due to the impeccably bad timing.
Enjoy, but be cautioned that it has VERY colourful language. It is Adam Sandler after all. :)
Friday, March 14, 2008
I'm not feeling any effects of the PIO. Last time my boobs were sore by now, I think. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. I don't really feel anything except some twinges and cramping type feeling in the lower abdomen. I think it's still too early for implantation spotting. I know I'm obsessing. Who doesn't during these two weeks. I'm trying not to. V. is still being ever the watchdog and not letting me do anything minutely strenuous. We need groceries this weekend, so he'll either have to come with, or he will be unloading the car. I don't think there's anything heavy on the list though. We've got a few things on our agenda this weekend to keep my mind off things, but I'm sure I'll be obsessing.
Kami asked when I was going to POAS. Trust me I've thought about this. A lot. I have a test left over from the last cycle. I see it every morning when I take out my hair dryer. I know that I'll probably POAS the day of the beta for sure. I'd rather know that it's a negative before I got the blood test and be pleasantly surprised if it's a postive when the call come in, rather than finding out for the first time when they call. But, do I start peeing on those sticks any sooner than the 25th? Technically today is 3dp3dt since the embryos were frozen on day 3. It's too early to POAS. I think the earliest I could start would be a week today which would be 10dp3dt. I haven't asked V. what he thinks. I'm so afraid this hasn't worked, yet we both feel that this cycle was different than the last one. What do I do? Sigh.
So, anyhow, today, an exact month after Valentine's Day, we are supposed to be the center of attention. That is where my dilemna begins and ends. First, steak is out of the question as I have no Roo today since Pam drove me to work and we are out to dinner at our aunt's house tonight. Maybe she's cooking steak? Highly unlikely. Second, well, let's just say I won't be joining NASA for a very long time.
And then the lady has the audacity to have this exchange with me on the way in today on the 401 east:
"Honey?," I ask. "Why do you drive on this side of the highway?", referring to her being in the collector's instead of the express lanes this morning when the express was moving quicker.
"I always drive on this side," she replies. "I like going in and out all the time."
"Not lately," I reply quickly and wait for the back hand.
And wait. And wait. And wait. SLAP!
"Took you long enough," I say, laughing.
"Pregnancy brain," she replies with a smile.
"Your entire life?," I reply quickly again.
Gotta stop using my outside voice. :)
So fellas, for a guy who has to go vegetarian today, do the male nation proud and be all that you can be. Be an astronaut!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
So, I've been on the PIO for five days now and I don't seem to have any symptoms. My boobs don't hurt yet and they definitely did last time, but I don't remember how long that took to show up. I'm sort of tired but then, I'm always tired. I'm kind of crampy but that's probably because of the FET yesterday. This is going to be a long two weeks.
What are anyone's thoughts on pineapple? I had forgotten about it until today so don't have any in the house. As you can see from V's last post, I've stayed off my feet and taken advantage of him. I'm back to work tomorrow so will definitely take it easy. So, if the word is that it's good to take (I did last cycle) I will pick some up on the way home tomorrow.
1 day down, 13 to go.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
My look was quick clear in both deep concern and ass-whooping determination that she was to be VERY careful and basically invalid like. She is to ask me for anything she needs and to keep movement to an absolute minimum (i.e. bladder emptying). I arranged to work from home today and tomorrow for this very reason; to help nature ensure that things take root and foundation like we hope for. Her stumbling over laptop wires and nearly taking a header towards the big screen is not conducive to that goal.
She is lying down and watching the game with me now. This prone position will be my preferred position for her for the next 48 hrs and any time she absolutely does not have to be any other way.
So it's 1:30pm as I write this and our transfer was scheduled for noon. He's had a busy day today. Our doctor was doing a retrieval when we arrived and there's one more retrieval to be done before he gets to us, and then he's got a D&C and a drainage (see below) and he's MIA at the moment. Following the first transfer he came out and returned a call to patient and then went out to the clinic to see what was going on.
We arrived as requested at 11:45am with me having drunk the requisite one litre of water, plus I'd had my tea shortly before we left. So when we were told he was about an hour behind I was given permission by an ultrasound tech to empty my bladder completely and then drink 3-4 small cups of water. This was good because I needed to go. However the nurse in the IVF suite thought I should only pee 2 cups. That would be two of those white Styrofoam cups, about the size of a small coffee, and see where my bladder was as we got closer to the time. Well, I should have listened to the tech. A half hour later I needed to go again. I was then given permission to go and pee half a cup. (It's now 12:45pm) Do you know how hard it is to stop peeing when you've gotta go? I still felt the need following this and lasted about another half hour before I desperately needed to go. So one more cup filled to the top (and a little bit more) later and I'm sitting here now waiting. I feel okay so I think if they were to get to us soon my bladder will be okay. I know that I won't be able to pee for 10-15 minutes after the transfer, and then I will be told to "pee slowly". So here we wait. Poor V is on call so he's been falling asleep as he was up all night dealing with an issue.
2:00pm - The doctor finally reappears and goes in to do the retrieval for the poor lady who has been in there for 30 minutes, prepped waiting for him.
2:30pm - He's done and gone back to the other side to see what's going on out there. Hope he doesn't take forever again. As he leaves one nurse calls out if he's going to do the transfer (I hope so) or will someone else. He calls back I think so. Get her ready.
2:45pm - still waiting. But it should only be a little longer. I've had my bladder checked on ultrasound and told to pee one and a half cups (that would be the white cup). Apparently I'm a champ at filling my bladder. But then again, I knew that.
It was only about 5 minutes later when the doc came breezing in and said "let's get you pregnant". V was lagging behind because he'd been dozing and I had nudge him awake that it was time, and had to put his smock on. So I laughed and said we need to wait for V. So the doc called back, "come on V or your kids are going to look like me". All went well. Both embryos survived the thaw and when they were displayed up on the screen they were deemed gorgeous. And he seemed quite pleased with their placement. Now let's hope those embryos do their job. :)
Once we were done I had to wait 10 minutes before peeing (slowly). Because I wasn't in any discomfort the wait was fine. Plus we ended up chatting with another patient who was suffering from OHSS and was there to have the fluid drained. Ouch! So 20 minutes after the transfer I was able to pee, get dressed and then one of the nurses showed us how to inject the Fragmin. That one burns/stings a bit but it's just a subcutaneous shot so not as bad as the PIO. However, there will be bruising with this one, she said, so we need to make sure that we don't do the injection in a bruised area. That means I'll have lovely bruising across my stomach while on this one.
3:30pm - We're finally done having been there for almost 4 hours. We head down to the pharmacy to pick up a refill on the Estrace and then head home with a detour for food. We finally got back home at 5:15pm.
Now you understand the title. :)
So now it's the two week wait and back for the beta blood test on the 25th.
Anyhow, I send her in back to rustle someone as people are up and down but no one comes out to see us. They tell us to come in back and we basically know the drill from there. Pam gets dressed in her double gown and we fill out papers.
So, our appointment was at noon, we got in early like we were told, and we got ready as we have before. And then we waited. And waited. And waited. Three plus hours later. I was trying to keep positive but I was not a happy camper. I kept it to a minimum because these folks held my baby's happiness in their hands, er, testtubes, er, petri dishes. Whatever.
Just call me MC DR Gusto (ask my LB after he is finished LHAO):
We needed them so we smiled and nodded the whole time until we were called into the Yoohoo observatory. I forgot to put on my mouth mask but they never said anything. I also forgot to put away our electronics which sat in the open of that little closet they call a room. I had wanted to bring in the camera to get a shot of the screen when they use the camera to zoom in onto the little Hardy Boys and their sisters. Yes, they are only two of them but I am using my Trinidadian voodoo to produce Quads!! Alas, I had no camera and they currently have no facility to produce pictures of that image. Anyhow, it is a very interesting experience for the partner to sit there being supportive as cast of many mull around the prime subject.
There is my wife, feet in stirrups, yoohoo open to the world yet oh so inaccessible. There is the lady who is the ultrasound technician. There is the nurse who is assistant the good doctor. There is the good doctor who I am entrusting with new life, my wife's internal parts and some external bits. And then there is lab dude. Usually it is lab dudette. I never had an issue with a lady behind the glass, the lab area where the embryos are kept. I, strangely, was a little uneasy with a guy I have never seen before having full view of what Pam's mother gave her and what I consider personal geography with very restricted access. The room darkens, bright lights go on. A snapshot is taken as the good doc gently (well, somewhat gently) places our two/four little bundles of pre-joy into position. Production is then wrapped up, yoohoo is covered back up, materials are scrapped, congratulations and good lucks are spewed forth and we are shuttled back to relax in the master relaxer in the closet room.
This is our first picture together as a family:
Another lady was there, quite the talker. QUITE! It was nice to hear about another person's experience though and while we longed to be already where she is (i.e. pregnant) we were glad not to be experience her hyper water holding issue (ask the wife). Anyhow, once we were done (Pam had to get that injection into the gut by the nurse), we headed out into rush hour traffic, grab some chicken at George's and then headed home up the DVP. It would be 5:30PM by the time we reached home base. What a day!
Pam, just before Nurse Hathaway stuck her in the gut with a needle full of stuff. She is reclined in a very techie cool, very expensive piece of reclining goodness. It moves forward and back and up and down and vibrates and soothes and heats and does all sorts of things. I WANT ONE. Ahem, strictly for the use of my wife to help keep her relaxed. Naturally. :)
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Anyway, I went and prepped the syringe this morning after looking at the clock and thought "holy shit, gotta do this before it gets too late". This time I warmed the vial a bit in the hopes of making it a bit easier. Not sure if it made a difference. Even filling the syringe took longer than last cycle. So I brought it, showed V. where it was to go, swabbed the area and was answering a question when he just did it. I really didn't feel it which was great. So if the next 12 weeks go exactly like today I'll be very happy.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
So, we make our way downtown. We got about 10cm of snow overnight so it was nothing too terrible, except that the snow had started up again shortly after 8:45 when we left the house. We made it downtown by 10am which was pretty good considering we had to stop for gas and the bank. Plus the clinic's monitoring hours are 8-10 on the weekend. The clinic was pretty busy but I think people wanted to come today instead of tomorrow with the expected 20-25cm on the ground, plus they were later getting down today due to road conditions. (I'll post some pictures tomorrow after the snow ends.)
Anyway, while I was getting poked and prodded V. went and sat down at one of the computers to wait. The person doing blood was a guy today and was very quick but for some reason it hurt. Oh well. I have no issues with needles or getting blood taken, I just don't watch when the put it in. Anyway, I then had to wait about 10 minutes for the ultrasound. I was talking with the tech and she said that my lining was excellent - it was measuring at 13 and was already transforming from the triple stripe stage to the next stage. After that I went out to V. to tie up my shoes because I thought we were going to have a long wait. I think it was 5 minutes when we were called in. We ended up waiting for our doctor at that point for about 10 minutes. He came in all jovial and joking. Looked at the ultrasound results and said "let's get you pregnant". He gave us a choice of Tuesday through Friday. We opted for Tuesday, March 11th. Afterwards I thought about changing it to Thursday as 13 has always been our lucky number (see lining measurement) but decided to go with our first gut choice. The doctor commented on maybe twins (we have two embryos) and V. just got on the bandwagon talking triplets and quads. Needless to say I told him to bite his tongue as two would be just fine, as would one. (For those wondering, they don't do transfers on the weekend.)
We met next with the nurse to get the meds I'd need for the next stage.
My daily regimen is now:
1 doxycyclene twice a day, with food, for 3 days (started today.) This is an antibiotic used to decrease the chance of infection from the IVF process. It is not in the penicillin family. It may also treat any infection that one may already have but are not showing symptoms of. Therefore it may increase your chance of becoming pregnant.
2x2mg Estrace, three times a day
1x5mg Prednisone, once a day, with food
1x 81mg low dose baby aspirin, once a day
2ml of Progesterone in castor oil injected each morning (I had a reaction to the sesame oil last time). I gave myself the first shot before we left the clinic. This is much more dense than the sesame oil and is harder to inject. I'll be getting V. to do it for me this cycle as it's an intramuscular injection into my butt. I did it myself the last cycle, but it's awkward as I found out with the first shot, plus it makes him feel more involved.
0.2mL of Fragmin which will start the day of the transfer following transfer. The fragmin is an anticoagulant like Heparin. This one is a subcutaneous injection so it can be either into my stomach or into my thigh.
So, when we're successful I will continue with the Estrace and Prednisone until the 12th week, as well as the Progesterone and the Fragmin. The baby aspirin will continue until the 20th week unless advised otherwise.
So that's where we are. We should be getting a call from the clinic to advise what time on Tuesday for transfer. Then it's the two week wait. I plan on taking Tuesday and Wednesday off - every little bit helps.
Have a great weekend everyone!!
Sunday, March 02, 2008
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Be sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.
1. I was always been the shortest person in my class at school and always had to stand at the front of the line when we were told to line up.
2. My favourite toy as a child was my Easy Bake Oven, the kind with the light bulb.
3. I hate most shades of green, and even though my car and our sofa is green, it's not a colour I will usually choose when given a choice.
4. I am an IT junkie and am always "connected" some how either by MSN, Facebook or my blackberry. You can almost always get an immediate response from me.
5. Until I met V. I was an introverted, shy person. I had difficulty making friends in school, and hate going to places/parties where I knew no one. However, being part of his family has definitely changed that and most people would probably be surprised by this statement.
6. I LOVE reality tv (V. too) and watch everything like Survivor, Big Brother, American Idol, Apprentice, Amazing Race (best show), Project Runway and several others I've missed. However, I will not watch Canadian Idol, The Bachelor or Rock of Love with Bret Michaels, the lead singer from Poison.
This meme has been going around for a little while, so if you're reading consider yourself tagged.