Thursday, January 18, 2007

Stuck on an island, and no it's not Exile Island

Do you ever feel you're alone on an island with no way to get off? Boats pass by and people wave, so you know there's life off the island, but you haven't found a way to get off that island? Well, that's how I've been feeling lately. V. and I have done everything we've been asked/required to do over the last 2, almost 3 years, as we try to have a baby. We've both had the endless blood tests or semen analyses, I've been poke and prodded by various medical professionals, I've subjected myself to endless encounters with the cooter cam/dildo cam/love wand (call it what you will, but it's still someone sticking a camera up you're hoohaa), I've gone through several cycles where I've had to give myself daily injections, I've had surgery to remove fibroids, and we've had the imposed waiting period following surgery. V. too has had his own trials, maybe not as invasive, but still trials. It can't be easy for the guy to have to produce a sample on command. I know that the doctors provide a room for the men to do their business, but is the ambience really conducive to that? I won't go into any details here as I think V. has described it at some point previously. Regardless, we've both lined up and volunteered for whatever has been required of us, and look where it's gotten us. Stuck on the *&^(&^% island because we haven't got the funds to buy a ticket to get on any of those fancy boats that are passing by.

We haven't been entirely alone during our island stay. We've got friends and family who've come by and visited, albeit from their own boats (after all they wouldn't want to get stuck out there too). And we appreciate all of the love and support they've given us. But right now, it sucks. I'm totally discouraged that we aren't going to find the way out of this. I'm not ready to give up yet when we haven't had the chance to even try. It's like someone is holding the prize just out of reach and I don't know what task I'm supposed to complete this time.

Ever feel that fate has it in for you? No matter what you do, there'll be another roadblock to get past before you reach your goal? In this case, our goal isn't a live baby, it's just the opportunity to actually go through with the IVF in the hopes of eventually getting that ultimate gift. What do they say? "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Well, for anyone who's listening, I'm ^%%#^%$ strong. Let's get on with this finally.

So, V. wrote his post below, I think because of a conversation we had and how I've been feeling and such. I don't know what it is that he's referring to where he's going to have to (figuratively) bend over and grab his ankles, and I know that if I ask him he won't say. I do understand that it's something difficult and very big for him to do. So, I trust him. At times I've felt I've been alone on that island because V. doesn't focus on this quite the way that I do, or women in general I think. It's not fair to him that I say that, but it's how I've sometimes felt. I've always got this whole IF thing in the back of my mind and when I'm idle at work, it just finds it's way to the front. It reminds me that I'm 46 and my donor is 37. We've got a small window of opportunity as she likely won't be considered a donor when she turns 38. So I'm extremely worried that we're going to run out of time and then what? We'd have to start again, maybe look to a clinic overseas which means more money.

However, V.'s post has made it very clear that he's just as committed to this as I am. So he will move forward with whatever his plan is, and I am looking into other options in the hopes that something will happen for us. I just hope we can get started in February. I hate this uncertainty and waiting and wondering.

So, if you find yourself passing by the island, say hello. We do wave back. :)

1 comment:

Thalia said...

Pam and V,

It is just a lot, what you've both had to go through, adn I'm sorry it's been such a drain financially. I do hope that you can find a way through this as the family is clearly so important to you.