Thank you and an update

I wanted to thank everyone who has commented on my last post. It really gives one an emotional boost to see so much support from so many of you. It's meant a lot to us to have you all in our corner and ready there to offer hugs, a shoulder and also cheer us on if we choose to move forward.

In the last couple of weeks I've been in touch with our clinic and the nurse that handles the embryo donations. Our time line has changed somewhat because we actually completed a profile. I was told originally that because of the number of people on the waiting list it could be up to a year before we were going to be selected. We were accepting of that, after all what other choice did we have if we wanted to minimize our costs. We were sent the profile document to complete which included a description of both of us and what we did as well as a section that required us to rate different criteria we considered important when choosing a donor, much like what we did when we were choosing an egg donor. We had little requirements. Although we would love a couple of mixed race to be donating embryos, we know it's a pretty slim chance. So really, that wasn't super important, nice but not critical. Religion wasn't an issue for us as we're Jewish and Catholic. The only point that I rated at a 5, the highest rating, was previous success in their cycle. I wanted to at least be going into a FET knowing that the couple who had donated the embryos had been successful in growing their own family. And really, when you think about it, the odds are in our favour that this the case, otherwise they wouldn't be donating embryos.

So, having completed the profile, I dropped it off at the clinic because I had to go in to drop off the unopened PIO vials they were being kind enough to refund for me. In talking with the business manager about what we were doing, while my refund was being processed, she went off to see the nurse who had been given our completed profile and came back to tell me that we were now at the top of the list because we were way ahead of others because they hadn't even completed a profile. Why would you request to be put on the list if you weren't going to take the next step? Anyway, their actions, or lack thereof, is a benefit to us, and so we we've moved onto the next "hurdle".

It's not a hurdle really, but an inconvenience. We have to meet with their counselor. I was hoping that because we'd had met with a counselor back when we were beginning the egg donor process, we could just use that evaluation because really, what's changed? I supposed our frame of mind, feelings etc could have, but likely not. The inconvenience isn't so much having to go through this, but just figuring out how. Because the clinic is located downtown and I work out in the west end, V works in the north end of the city and we live out in the east end suburbs, figuring out when we could schedule this appointment was a problem. Luckily we were able to schedule the appointment as a conference call. So in two weeks we'll have a three-way conference call with the counselor.

Following that session, and I guess approval on her part, we'll be moving onto the matching process. We will be emailed profiles much like we were when we were choosing an egg donor. Once we've made our choice, then we move onto the FET. There isn't a huge rush. As I told V I would like to cycle by October rather than wait into the new year but we'll see how it goes.

So that's where we are.

Next Steps

We saw the RE this afternoon to discuss "the next steps". It was a brief meeting really. I mean what can he say except "I'm sorry". He said that these three embryos were of lesser quality than the others we had, but at no time did he say they were poor quality. He did say the embryologist was surprised that they didn't make it. Out of our two donors and all the embryos, this is the first time we've had a cycle cancelled. I have to say that this is so much worse than getting a BFN. Not knowing if the changes we made in this cycle were going to be the difference makes it that much harder. And not knowing if we're going to have any more chances to try is devastating.

He laid out our options...I already knew them.

1. New donor
2. Surrogate with new donor
3. Donor Embryo
4. Do nothing (I added this one)

Financially, without a lottery win, options 1 and 2 are just not possible. IMHO the surrogacy option would probably have our biggest chance of success as we'd be able to select a proven donor and proven surrogate. However, realistically, that's just not going to happen. With a price tag of $50-60K, like I said, a lottery win would be required. So really, this option is off the table.

Option 3 is our most logical choice due to cost as it's not much more than doing a FET...just some additional administrative costs, counseling appointment, and some other things. So financially, a do-able option. It's a waiting game as we have no idea how long it may take to get donor embryos through the clinic. They do have them but he didn't know how long the waiting list was. We'll be filling out the necessary paperwork and we're going on their waiting list. We've decided that bi-racial embryos are not critical. We are eligible to be on the list as they will consider women up to 52.

Option 4 is most realistic. My next birthday is a significant one, and only 10 weeks away. As I approach 50 I didn't expect to be childless or still pursuing my first (and probably only) child. Back when we were working out the finances for our first donor my mother asked "is this guaranteed". I told her no.

I never thought I'd be predicting our future.
I never imagined that V and I would have to face the reality that we weren't going to have children in our life (other than his daughter from his first marriage).
I never thought I wouldn't look into the face of a child of mine and see V.
I never thought that I wouldn't be able to give my Mom any more grandchildren.
I never thought I'd never be able to name a child after my Dad.
I never thought I wasn't going to be celebrating the milestones and accomplishments of my child.
I just never thought it would be like this.

Cancelled

We had three embryos. None survived the thaw. It's never a good thing with the doctor calls you. I'm devastated. This is worse than a BFN because we didn't even get a chance to see if all the changes would have made a difference. There really are no words. We're going to meet with him later this afternoon to talk about next steps, but short of using donor embryos, I really don't see any. Thanks for sticking by us during all of this.

T-4 and counting

So I was in for my lining check today. He said it was 12B which is what they want. I know the 12 is the measurment in millimetres, I believe. The B, he said, refers to the triple stripe appearance. So we're all good in that regard.

We're booked for transfer on Tuesday. They'll give me a call on Monday to say what time, but it's usually booked for mid day. Luckily V is able to get the day off which will be nice to have him with me.

So,starting tomorrow, I am adding doxcycline, twice a day, 4 medrol tablets once a day for four days, and the PIO shots begin. The medrol is new for me. I was told it was to help with implantation. What I found online was that it sometimes taken when assisted hatching is being used which it is for my frozen embryos. It is taken to suppress any inflammatory reaction that might occur between the embryo(s) and the endometrial lining.

So, hopefully everything will align and all these differences we're doing will have a positive impact.

And what would a post be without a cake..... Here's one I made last week for a class I was taking. 8" pina colada cake with pineapple buttercream filing and a coconut buttercream icing, covered with fondant and painted.

That's all for now.