Monday, April 24, 2006

Now, where do we go from here?

Well, Pam has already covered where we are headed. I just have to express how I feel about the journey. The end result is going to be, what we hope, a wonderful experience in bringing up our one or two or however many we are blessed with children. I am the hammer of caution and reality in all of this so while I try not to be negative, I try to be true. I would not be who I am or who Pam expects me to be if I did any less.

In this grand process, let's just be honest for a second, I am simply an initial genetic seed donor and then I morph into lead cheerleader. My job is really not all that hard (sorry for the pun). I choose a method of assistance to help set the right atmosphere, get the little guys swimming and then expel genetic material into a glass or plastic receptacle for processing. With a feeling of euphoria, I can now sit back and relax as the rest of the procedures go on without me. Contrary to what you may be thinking, I am not exactly okay with that.

My DW gets poked, prodded (better than me, I might add), pushed and pulled in every which way to get samples, get pictures, count things, look for things, put things in, take things out, and all manner of testing. Our donor, D., may not have had many things happen to her at the moment, but still has to go out of her way to get tests done, and will eventually have to put needles into herself for the cause. We love her for her sacrifice and dedication to this.

I would be lying if I said I was not worried for Pam's health in all of this. When I heard about the fibroids, I was not happy about them but I accepted that they occur. When we went for the recent tests though, Pam made the mistake of mentioning the fibroids and cancer in the same sentence and she knew, without me saying a word, that I now had a new item to add to my list. It will stay on that list until Dr. L. takes it off the list when the procedure is completed. Pam's body has been stressed through all of this as she has been on various medications, and then that gets compounded with the worrying about it all.

I actually think the mental and emotional part of this process is far harder on us all than the physical part. Most people want this as much if not more for the two of us; it is a wonderful feeling to have friends and family think of you like that. Some, and we understand why, are concerned why we would take the risk and are concerned for Pam's health and the possible health of the child(ren). We are concerned about that as well and have recently talked about the pre-tests that can be performed now and what we would do if something is found in them. They are not easy choices to make, not easy things to have to deal with. We have to deal with them and be prepared for the worst as a matter of consequence with what we are doing.

I also have to be concerned for my wife. As young as she continues to look and act and feel and is at heart, she is no longer (sorry honey) a spring chicken. The stress on her is very real and the concern is as well. We came so close naturally and it was devastating when it simply was not to be. It took a while for her to even open up and express how she felt being that close and then losing that chance. I felt it as well but I had to be the strong one for the both of us. I do not take that role lightly and will do anything to protect her, including to shut down this project of ours if it means choosing her life over continuing. She knows there would be no choice in that instance. I do not intend to be that close to losing her again as long as I have a say in it.

So, here we are. It continues to be an interesting journey and I continue to be a supporting partner. I actually want this more for her than I do myself. Understand that not as I do not care to have another child(ren) (because I really do welcome that opportunity) but rather it is so important to her that I would do anything to make sure it happens for her. I even offered to knock up a suitable candidate of her choosing but for some reason she nixed that offer very quickly. So, we follow our path and we will try our best. I feel that we will succeed and having you all supporting us and wishing well on us could only help bring the dream to life.

Thanks for being here and see you online.


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